How to Deal with Backbiting in Islam – Imam al-Ghazali’s Guide

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like this? You are relaxing with friends or colleagues. Initially, the conversation flows nicely, discussing hobbies or work. Suddenly, the direction of the conversation changes. Someone starts mentioning the name of someone else, and slowly begins to “expose” their flaws and bad qualities.

The atmosphere becomes awkward for you, but exciting for others. You remain silent because you feel “uncomfortable” (Socially awkward) interrupting the conversation. You think, “Ah, as long as I don’t join in, just listen.”

Wait a moment. Did you know that in Islam, the position of the listener to gossip is actually as dangerous as the perpetrator?

Many of us do not know how to deal with gossiping people correctly according to Islamic law. We often get caught between preserving the feelings of friends or upholding God’s rules.

This article will thoroughly discuss how to react when a friend gossips based on the guidance of Imam Al-Ghazali in the book Ihya’ ‘Ulumuddin, so that we do not get involved in this collective sin.

The Dangers of Being a Loyal Listener to Gossip

Before getting into practical tips, we need to change our mindset first. Most people feel safe as long as their tongue doesn’t move. However, ears that willingly absorb the faults of others become a powerful channel for sin as well.

Imam Al-Ghazali gave a stern warning: Silence when hearing gossip is agreement.

In a hadith, the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

الْمُسْتَمِعُ أَحَدُ الْمُغْتَابَيْنِ

“The listener is one of two gossippers.”

In other words, in a gathering of backbiting, there is no such thing as a “neutral observer.” If you sit there, listen, nod, or even show an expression of surprise (“Really?”) that encourages the perpetrator to continue telling the story, then you are a partner in that sin.

The Story of Abu Bakar and Umar RA

Al-Ghazali recounts a story that is very sobering for us. One day, Abu Bakar and Umar RA were together. One of them made a remark about someone, saying, “He sleeps too much.”

Only one person spoke, the other listened. Then both of them asked the Prophet ﷺ for side dishes. However, the Prophet ﷺ’s response was very surprising:

قَدِ ائْتَدَمْتُمَا .. بَلَى إِنَّكُمَا أَكَلْتُمَا مِنْ لَحْمِ أَخِيكُمَا

“You two have already eaten the side dish… True, you two have indeed eaten the flesh of your brother.”

Note the Prophet’s statement ﷺ: “You two”. He did not differentiate between the speaker and the listener. This is clear evidence that listening to backbiting (ghibah) is as sinful as engaging in it.

3 Firm Steps to Deal with Friends Who Gossip

So, what should we do if we are trapped in this toxic situation? Imam Al-Ghazali provides a tiered guide, starting from the most ideal to the most minimal (emergency).

1. Open Reprimand (Highest Level)

The most important and most beloved step to Allah is defending your brother’s honor. Do not let your friend’s reputation be torn to shreds when he is not present.

You can state firmly yet politely:

• “Sorry, it seems we don’t need to discuss his/her faults.”
• “The news may not be true, let’s just pray for the best.”
• “Let’s change the topic, I’m afraid it will turn into backbiting.”

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ promised an extraordinary reward for those who dare to do this:

مَنْ رَدَّ عَنْ عِرْضِ أَخِيهِ بِالْغَيْبِ كَانَ حَقًّا عَلَى اللَّهِ أَنْ يَرُدَّ عَنْ عِرْضِهِ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ

“Whoever defends the honor of his brother in his absence, it becomes the right of Allah to defend his honor on the Day of Judgment.” (Narrated by Ahmad & Tirmidhi)

2. Changing the Subject (Diplomatic Tactic)

If you feel awkward or fear the atmosphere becoming heated when directly reprimanding, use the second method: Change the subject to another topic.

Imam Al-Ghazali suggested that listeners interrupt gossip with unrelated speech.

For example:

• “Oh, speaking of work, how’s that project from yesterday going?”
• “Wow, I wonder if the roads are congested at this hour?”

The goal is to break the focus of the person engaging in ghibah so that they forget or stop their story. This is a clever way to avoid ghibah without having to confront them directly.

3. Rising and Departing (Mufaraqah)

If verbal reprimand is ineffective, and changing the topic also fails, then the last option is to leave the place.

Don’t sit there. Get up. You can excuse yourself by saying you want to go to the toilet, want to answer the phone, or any other reason. The important thing is that your physical presence is no longer in that assembly of sin.

Al-Ghazali affirmed:

“If he is able to rise and leave or cut off the conversation but does not do so, then the sin remains upon him.”

Beware of “Hypocritical Reprimands”

There is one disease of the heart sharply highlighted by Al-Ghazali. Namely, a person whose tongue forbids, but whose heart enjoys [it].

For example, someone says: “Shh… stop talking about people,” but their eyes gleam with curiosity, or their face smiles with amusement while hearing the story of someone’s faults. Or they forbid it in a joking tone that actually encourages the perpetrator to continue.

Al-Ghazali refers to this as Hypocrisy (Nifaq). He wrote:

وَإِنْ قَالَ بِلِسَانِهِ اُسْكُتْ وَهُوَ مُشْتَهٍ لِذَلِكَ بِقَلْبِهِ فَذَلِكَ نِفَاقٌ

“And if he says with his tongue ‘Be quiet!’ while his heart desires (to hear it), then that is hypocrisy.”

It is not enough to forbid it merely with gestures or facial expressions. You must hate it in your heart. If your heart is pleased to hear the faults of others exposed, then you have already sinned even if your mouth remains silent.

Summary Table: Correct vs. Incorrect Attitudes When Hearing Backbiting

To make it easier to understand, here’s a summary of the attitude that should be taken:

Situation	WRONG Attitude (Also Sinful)	RIGHT Attitude (Safe)
Friend starts gossiping	Remain silent, listen, nod along.	Immediately interrupt and defend the victim’s honor.
Not daring to reprimand	Stay seated, playing on your phone, but listening with your ears.	Get up and leave the room (Mufaraqah).
Emotional response	Join in the shock/laughter (“Really?! That’s terrible!”).	Show a displeased/flat face to make the perpetrator stop.
Conscience	Mouth says “Don’t do that” but the heart is curious about the continuation.	The heart hates the act and prays for it to stop.

FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions About Dealing with Backbiting

Closing: Be the ‘Water that Extinguishes’ the Fire of Ghibah

Dealing with someone who engages in gossip certainly requires mental courage. We often fear being labeled as “holier-than-thou” or “not fun.” However, remember that the negative impact of gossip in the afterlife is very terrifying.

Be a true friend. A true friend is not one who accompanies their friend in sin, but one who dares to pull their friend out of the fire of hell.

Starting today, if there’s a fire of backbiting igniting in your hangout, be the water that extinguishes it. Either by reprimanding, changing the topic, or walking away. The choice is in your hands: do you want to be a savior of your brother’s honor, or a Scavenger eating the dead flesh of your brother?